


Impressions

by willow_rose (vyther15)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Christianity, Death, Existentialism, Friendship, Gods, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, Love Poems, Other, Poetry, References to Depression, idk how to tag this so i'll just send it into the void, my teenage experience, not necessarily the universal one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 60
Words: 5,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26001286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vyther15/pseuds/willow_rose
Summary: I wonder, sometimes,What impression I leave on peopleIf I’m as good a person I think I am,Or if I’m the person I feel I am,On my darkest daysor, i drop my innermost thoughts into the void and hope someone hears
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	1. Crimson and Pitch and Ichor

**Author's Note:**

> for about the first half, you can probably find these poems on Wattpad under @vyther15; that is also me, so it isn't plagiarism. the Wattpad version also has poems by my bff, so if you want to look it up, go ahead.
> 
> some of these poems date back to 8th grade, so have pity if they seem juvenile
> 
> some of these poems also deal with heavy topics like suicide and self harm, and some of them were written when i was not in a good headspace, so read with caution. I will specifically warn in the notes of those poems, so you can skip those if they aren't your cup of tea.
> 
> in my google drive, i have these poems also split up into different sections like Love or Gods & Goddesses or Existentialism, so i will put that subsection in the notes as well
> 
> the chapter count is subject to change as I write more, but i'm going to mark it complete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods and goddesses  
> love poem (?)
> 
> tw: blood

Your tears are made of blood, my dear,

Of crimson and pitch and ichor.

For you, my dear, have a heritage

That is most unique.

You hail from the race of men,

But Heaven and Hell

Both vie for your soul.

The ongoing battle inside your mind

Releases through your sobs

And marks you separate

From the ordinary folk.

And me.

Our wine-red blood,

The color of war, 

Marks us all alike

But you… 

You, my dear, have been fated for more

Much more than the common man.

Your tears of blood,

Of crimson

And pitch

And ichor

Tell the world of the destiny

The stars have assigned you.

— _ The stars have chosen you as their own, my dear. _


	2. Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love poem

They have little lines 

Crinkling in the corners

Visible proof of a life 

Spent laughing and smiling

But they are wise, still

You can tell they have seen

Their own share of sorrow

And terror.

They seem endless,

Like a black hole.

I could get lost, 

Staring into them.

  
— _ How could anyone say you aren’t perfect? _


	3. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendship
> 
> tw: depression; self harm

That one on your hip?

You rescued that stray cat, 

The one your mom said you couldn’t have.

You hid it in your garage for a week,

Feeding it scraps from dinner you hid in your pockets,

Until it scratched you so hard you screamed.

Your mom came out and made you get rid of the darned thing.

You cried for days.

You were eight.

The one on your knee?

You fell off the swings at school,

Trying to do a backflip off of it.

That older boy said you couldn’t do it.

He was wrong.

You did a flip and a half.

You just didn’t land it.

You were ten.

The one on your lip?

You tried to slide down the banister

At that fancy restaurant downtown,

But you slipped off because you were in that silky dress you hated,

And your front teeth went through your lower lip

Your dad yelled at you for horsing around before he noticed the blood.

You were twelve.

The ones on your arms?

You lost a battle with your mind,

And you let the demons out through your skin,

Slicing little lines that you covered with a sweatshirt the next day.

You kept that up for three months before I found out.

Together we threw out the razor that still had your dried blood on it.

You were fourteen.

That one on your shoulder?

You were way too tired to be driving,

And you were low on gas anyway,

But your mom needed milk,

So you were taking a trip to the store

When you rolled a stop sign,

And that truck slammed into you.

You were in the hospital for three weeks before they let you out.

You were sixteen.

The one on your cheek?

You got that at graduation.

You tossed your cap up, just like you’re supposed to,

But it came down corner first.

You’ve never been great at sports,

And you sure as heck couldn’t catch,

So the black hat hit you square in the cheek

Directly under your left eye.

Your parents freaked out, but you just shrugged.

You were used to it by then.

You were eighteen.

Now you’re twenty,

And you cover up some of those scars,

Not wanting people to see.

But others you flaunt openly,

Daring people to comment on them.

I’m awed by your bravery,

But often I wonder

Why you show off the self-harm,

But hide the scar your graduation cap gave you?

  
— _ Why hide the scars that tell the world who you are? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was vaguely inspired by a clumsy friend of mine who struggled with depression and self harm, but she's doing better now


	4. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love poem (obviously)

Being able to sit together,

Doing nothing,

And feel content.

_ —Love isn’t just roses and chocolate and romantic candlelight dinners. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short and sweet


	5. I'm Sorry, My Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love poem
> 
> tw: death

I meant to stay longer,

But Death came calling.

He said he couldn't wait

For me to say goodbye.

I tried to fight,

But a mortal cannot win,

Not against Death.

But I want you to know,

I wasn't scared of dying.

_ —I was scared of leaving you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty sure i read a bunch of Emily Dickinson before writing this one


	6. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism

They are infinite

And wonderful,

But you don't know what is hiding behind them.

They are glittering 

And beautiful,

But the darkness surrounds them.

They are shimmering 

And magical

And diamond-like

And they seem as if from a fairy tale,

But who knows what is tucked away,

In the farthest reaches of the galaxy,

Hidden behind the stars you love so dearly.

_ —Why do you fear the stars so? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk i was either sleep deprived or stargazing


	7. Thunderstorm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love poem  
> existentialism
> 
> tw: minor depression

The rain beating down on our roof,

Reflects the sorrow in your eyes.

The thunder booming above us,

Almost covers the crack in your voice.

The lightning flashing overhead,

Nearly blinds me to the tears on your face.

_ — The wrath of nature reflects itself in you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sads during a storm. best time to be sad in my opinion


	8. A Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendship  
> personal

I’m not going to promise

That I’ll be here forever,

Because I’ve made a promise to myself,

That I wouldn’t lie to you.

However, I can promise this,

I’ll be here for as long as I can,

And I’ll try to stay forever,

But no one can promise that.

_ —I’ll stay until God himself intervenes _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written for a friend who struggled with depression (the same as the 'Scars' friend, actually), after a breakdown in a middle school bathroom, because I'm not super great at talking. We went through a time where we communicated anything emotional through poems and notes, bc we were 13/14 and saying anything emotional out loud was akin to torture


	9. off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism  
> personal

I know I don’t quite

Fit into this world.

I’m like a puzzle piece

That’s just a little bit off.

But that’s ok, I guess.

I’ll hold my head high anyway,

‘Cause when whoever put me here

Comes back to look,

I will make them think 

I was meant to be here

Even though it’s obvious I’m not.

_ —I intend to justify the space I’ve filled on this earth _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my Thoughts on being a queer kid in a conservative town


	10. Nyctophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> existentialism

I often wonder 

Why people fear the dark.

My fondest memories

Are of the night.

Stars in the night sky 

That couldn’t be seen without the dark.

I love the way the darkness

Seems to blanket me in black.

The darkness isn’t out to kill you.

_—It’s just there to be your friend_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stargazing or sleep-deprived, one of the two


	11. Love, Hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal

Y’know, most people,

When they talk about something

That they truly love

Are much less “rude” about it

But y’know,

I’m not really like most people.

_ —I act like I hate something, because that is how I tell myself I love it.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a rant poem in response to a classmate telling me and a friend off for bitching about choir. I love choir tremendously, but my choir teacher leaves something to be desired. I really hated choir in middle school; I wouldn't have taken it throughout middle and high school knowing I'd have the same teacher from 5th grade through my senior year, but I'm in too deep to quit now. Also, it guarantees me a class with my bff, so there's that


	12. Bright Spots in a Sea of Suck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> friendship
> 
> this one was three pages long in the google doc, and is extremely personal, like, memoir levels of personal, so i understand completely if you just skip it.
> 
> tw: contains references to depression, but that's barely there

Life sucks

That’s that

But there are parts,

That maybe don’t suck

As much as the rest.

Like that time at your 15th birthday party

When we went to see Newsies

With your “betrothed” as one of the leads

And the pictures we took afterwards.

With Hope on Grace’s back

And you trying to carry your “betrothed”

And failing miserably.

I look like I’m sneezing in every single one.

(I’m really not,

I was just laughing super hard.)

Or that time I had you and Grace over

At my house for a “play-date.”

You and I just sat in my room,

Using each other as pillows

And enjoyed each other’s company.

Until my siblings and Grace came in and asked to play spies.

Or the time you were somewhere

And you got a Coca-Cola at a gas station

And it said “Share a Coke with: Willow.” 

And you picked it up,

And took a picture of you holding it up,

Then you sent it to me.

You were smiling so wide.

Or in 7th grade,

When we did a quartet for Solo & Ensemble.

It was you, me, Grace, and Emily. 

We sang Cindy.

We don’t talk about Cindy much anymore.

But you kept a recording of it,

And you laugh every time I tell you to delete it.

(You really should delete it, though.

That song is kinda maybe sorta sucky, 

Even if we did sound ok-ish singing it.)

And Star Wars Day, during homecoming week

When you were “Slutty Darth Vader”

And wore a fluffy—and sparkly—black and silver tutu.

During homeroom, you took it off, because you were hot,

So i put it on my head 

Like it was a wig

(I have a picture of that, too.

I look like an idiot.)

(Granted, a cute idiot in a white spaghetti strap 

with a sparkly black and silver tutu on my head.)

And for my 13th birthday, 

You gave me a unicorn blanket and 

A stuffed animal unicorn.

To return the favor, 

I gave you a giant stuffed animal unicorn

For your 14th birthday.

(It was only fair.)

And in 8th grade,

You got that Ariel hoodie for Christmas.

The first time you wore it to school,

You took it off because it was

“Too Pink.”

So I asked if I could wear it, and 

You said yes. 

(I let you borrow my green sweatshirt in return.)

By the time my 14th birthday rolled around, 

I’d probably worn that sweatshirt more than you.

So you asked if I wanted it for my birthday.

I obviously said yes.

(To this day, it is my second-favorite sweatshirt.)

(My green one is my favorite. Sorry, Ariel.)

And the summer before freshman year,

When I cut my hair off again,

I looked exactly like Hazel Grace,

According to you.

You didn’t stop calling me Hazel all summer.

I retaliated by calling you Aurora.

(You had a habit of sleeping in.

I got up early and biked several miles

to get to the library most mornings.

I didn’t let you forget it.)

And for my sixteenth birthday party

I invited you, Sam, and Jack

To watch Birds of Prey

You all showed up early

So we watched Lord of the Rings

(the extended versions)

Because none of you had seen it

And during the movie, 

We gave each other makeovers

And after the movie, 

We got ice cream from the place down the street

And we sat at one of the high tables

And laughed and talked and spilled ice cream

All over ourselves at like 9:30 pm

(Which really doesn’t seem that late, 

But the looks the other patrons gave us

Means it definitely was too late for our volume.)

(It’s not like we shut up, though)

So, even though this poem,

Probably isn’t the one 

You want to hear right now,

But I think it’s important enough

That you should hear it anyway.

_—Because life may be a sea of suck, but it can’t take everything away._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written to help my bff after a depressive episode in our freshman year. i've since added on to it. it is and will remain the longest poem i've ever written, and is deeply deeply personal.
> 
> for context about the ages, she was born in september and i was born in february, so she's only a few months older than me, and also this is written non-linearly, so i could be thirteen in one stanza then fifteen in the next, then back to thirteen in the one after that. the "betrothed" thing in the first stanza is a joke between their mothers, but my bff isn't straight, so it'll never actually happen


	13. Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> friendship

I’m not too great

At talking, I guess

I find it easier to write out my thoughts

Rather than speak them aloud.

When i’m in person,

The extent of my talking-ness

And ability to have eloquent and flowing

Whatevers,

Goes down

To about a five out of ten million.

I mean,

I’m great at hugs!

And giving you a shoulder to cry on,

But if you want me to  _ talk _ to you,

You’ll have to let me write it out.

So if you ever need reassurance that i’m here,

And that i do care,

Look to my writing,

Not to my words,

Because my words will disappear,

Forgotten over time

_ —but my writing can last forever _


	14. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal

When I was little, 

Home meant Mom and Dad

And the little blue house 

With a flower bed out front 

And an alley in the back.

Then I got a little older,

And Home meant Mom and Dad

And my 3 siblings in the bigger tan house 

Off in the middle of nowhere

With the trees out front 

And the old shed in the back.

And then I was older and 

Home meant Mom, Dad, my 5 siblings, and our dog

All in the tan house in the middle of nowhere. 

With the freezing basement

And the vegetable garden by the garage.

Now I'm even older,

And home is still Mom, and Dad, and all my siblings,

And our dog,

And that tan house in the middle of nowhere, 

With the saplings in the side

And the cornfield behind it.

But it's also my friends,

All of us together and happy,

Laughing at something dumb

And generally just 

_ Living. _

_ — Home is ever-evolving, but I wouldn't have it any other way _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not fond of this one really, I thin k the flow is all wrong, but it exists, so here you go


	15. Lorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love poem
> 
> tw: heartbreak? kinda graphically described with extended metaphors that could be considered gory. not really depression, but could be read that way

**_Lorn_ **

_ Adj. (lawrn) _

_ Lost, ruined, or undone.  _

Missing, 

Gone,

Out of place,

Not here.

_ (My heart, after you left.) _

Taken apart,

Separated,

Ripped to shreds,

Pulled to pieces.

_ (My heart, after you left.) _

Hurting,

Torn in two,

Bleeding, 

Broken.

_ (My heart, after you left.) _

_ —Why did you have to leave? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk, i've never actually had my heart broken before, so this came from the abyss, so to the abyss it will return


	16. I See It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personal  
> Friendship
> 
> tw: explicit self-harm, depression, and eating disorder not otherwise specified. this one's rough

Dark circles under your eyes,

Ribs poking through your shirt,

Slices up and down your arms.

You try to hide it

Behind a fake smile.

_ (I see it, I see it.) _

Behind long sleeves.

_ (I see it, I see it.) _

Behind “I’m okays”

_ (I see it, I see it.) _

The deadness in your eyes

That’s more than a lack of sleep.

_ (I see it, I see it.) _

The food you push around 

On your plate instead of eating it.

_ (I see it, I see it.) _

The cuts you tuck into your sleeves

Not wanting anyone to see.

_ (I see it, I see it.) _

_ —I see it, and I will help. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk guys. if you ever feel like this, please get help.


	17. Of Existing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> existentialism (?)
> 
> tw: major depression

I drag my feet,

Forcing myself to go on

Even though

I'm being dragged down

I'm falling

_ (Never-ending) _

There are Claws, 

It seems,

Pulling me 

Under the waves

I'm drowning. 

_ (Forever) _

I'm so tired

Of fighting 

Of existing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> repeat of last note: if you ever feel like this, please please please get help


	18. Untitled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendship

Laughter at a stupid joke

At 3am when you should be asleep 

Because you have a test in first hour

But your friend needed cheering up 

Or you needed cheering up

Either way, 

You ended up laughing on the couch

With a gallon of ice cream in between you

And your music playing in the background.

You’re laughing way too hard

At something that isn’t even funny,

And you’ll fail your test in the morning,

_ —But you made a memory that will last forever. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been *checks calendar* a few weeks (at least) since I last updated, despite having literally every poem written and ready to publish. I love having no concept of time.


	19. soar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love

you’ve got your head

up in the clouds

and you definitely aren’t 

coming down

i want to follow you

but i’m not sure how

_ (My feet are planted firmly in the ground, my love. _

_ I am not as unreachable as you may think.) _

you have such wonderful

art and stories and poetry

your mind must be beautiful

and the sky is so lovely

i would love to see it with you

_ (My mind is a dark place, my love, _

_ Though ‘tis not so bad when I am with you.) _

_ (I can teach you to fly, my love. _

_ But you must fall before you can soar.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yup


	20. empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal
> 
> cw: depression

My soul is empty

My heart is missing

My lungs are barely breathing

I’ve locked everything away

Because emptiness is far safer 

Than brokenness

I’m existing

Not living

But that’s alright

It’s okay

Because 

I won’t get hurt

This way

Again

_ —But hurting helps you love the parts of life that don’t _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm better now, dw.


	21. If I Died

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno what section to put this one in
> 
> Cw: death

What would you do

If I died tonight

Would you weep

And cry

And ask the Lord why?

Would you scream

And shout

And shut everyone out?

_ —Or would you laugh and say ‘good riddance?’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love the little rhyming lines. reminds me of shel silverstein.


	22. Echt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendship

**Echt**

_adj. (ekht)_

Real, authentic, genuine

Laughter on a rainy day,

Cheesy Hallmark comedy in the background 

A tub of whipped cream for me

A bag of popcorn for you

Although our snacks are forgotten 

Because I fell asleep on your lap

And I rolled over

And fell off the couch

I woke up mid-air,

But that's okay,

Because I started laughing before I hit the ground 

_—I miss those days._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not a real memory i have. i wish it was, but i find it really hard to fall asleep during a movie


	23. Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism

There are times

when

all I want to do

is hide.

Hide from everything.

But instead,

I walk.

Walk away from 

everything.

Walk away from 

Friend drama

Homework

Noise

People

Houses

Cars

“Life”

Find a small,

secluded corner of

the world,

with a dry place to sit,

beautiful trees,

ripe apples,

and green.

Green leaves.

Green grass.

Green moss.

Green Life.

I just want to sit. 

Set aside all

worries

and doubts,

lean my head back

against a moss-covered tree

and let the sound of

Life

surround me.

Birds, singing

Wind, blowing

Animals, living

Sun, shining.

Reminding me that there are

still places that our

artificial “Life”

hasn’t touched.

_ \--Reminding me that there is still hope. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this in 8th grade. i have not grown less Done with the world since then


	24. Disenthrall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism
> 
> cw: captivity? (idk what to call it)

_free_

_dom_

You may find is hard

To find

_cap_

_ture_

You may imagine is easier

To imagine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have made it to the previously unpublished poems! hooray!


	25. Soft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love

My love, how you are so  _ soft _ ?

Not like a feather pillow is soft.

No.

Like daisies on a perfect spring day.

Like the color yellow, when it isn’t fluorescent.

Like pale pink and baby blue and spring green.

Like a small child showing off their watercolor masterpiece.

Like the way you smile when you play.

Like a bouquet of pink roses in an ocean blue vase.

Like the Polaroids of the two of us sitting on the porch swing.

Like a cluster of chocolate-dipped strawberries.

Like a mother smiling at her newborn child.

Like two people being so comfortable with each other they don’t even need to talk.

_ —Like my love for you, my dear _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a certain love of the word Soft, when it has the right connotations. hopefully this poem helps explain it for you


	26. A Final Conversation Between Two Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love  
> gods & goddesses  
> existentialism?
> 
> cw: abusive relationships; implied death

I loved you, you know.

_Then that was your mistake._

But I hated you, too.

You were so regal,

But you never extended

That grace to me.

You loved so many

But never me.

_How could I love you?_

_You were a monster,_

_And you never loved anyone._

I loved you,

But you never returned the favor,

And my heart, 

It just withered away

And died,

I guess.

_Your heart died long before_

_It ever met me._

It might have,

But it was reborn when 

I met you.

_Of course._

_What a_ convenient _excuse,_

_For the lies you fed me._

_Fed everyone all those years._

I never lied.

My heart was new,

When I met you.

But then you killed it again,

And it isn’t going to be 

Reborn another time.

_Good._

_I hope no one remembers your name._

I don’t believe anyone will.

They all hated me.

The Darkness to your Light.

They believed in you,

They _loved_ you.

More than you ever noticed them.

They hated me.

I thought you were different

But you struck the killing blow.

_I knew just where to hit._

_You told me only last night,_

_Otherwise I would have_

_Disposed of you far earlier._

I suppose it was all too good to be true.

But at least someone knows

Who the true monster is.

_**It was you all along** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the formatting for this one is kinda odd. sorry if it is confusing to read. THis one is one of my favorite poems i've ever written, because there so much story behind it. i want to go through and explain the whole thing, but i won't because that takes away from the joy of reading poems, in my opinion.


	27. All the Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love/friendship
> 
> cw: abusive relationship?

Every lie you ever told

Still echoes in my mind.

But sometimes

I hear a snippet of truth.

That one truth you said.

At the end.

That one truth

I wish was the only lie.

_ —But all the truths I wish had been are all the lies you ever told. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk where this came from. probably from one of my friends suffering through an abusive relationship.


	28. Nobodies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods and goddesses  
> existentialism
> 
> cw: implied death

You said you never thought 

You’d end up here

Of all places.

Well, where did you think

You’d end up, golden boy?

You seem to think you are

So wonderful,

That you deserve to sit

At the table with the Gods.

But instead,

You’re sitting here

With me

And my fellow

“Nobodies”

You think there’s some mistake,

Don’t you?

You don’t belong here,

Among the people

Who made history

Silently

Instead of crowing about it,

We did our job,

And then continued on

With our lives

You seem to think 

There’s some sort of

Shame in that.

But I think 

That you think

A little bit too highly 

Of yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm never going to be one of the great heroes of our time, and i don't necessarily want to be either. I want to be one of the people who make history silently, (and maybe publish a book)


	29. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism
> 
> cw: ghosts (therefore death)

The air is heavy with ghosts tonight.

With memories of summers past,

And winters wanting to be forgotten,

And springs that once were,

And autumns people try to remember.

The air is heavy with ghosts tonight.

With longing for cold Januaries

And heartbroken Februaries

And dying Julys 

And heavy Octobers

And lonely Decembers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was Before quarantine. i think the marching band season had just finished or smth. idk.


	30. Passing Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> friendship

I wonder,

Often,

What life would be like

If I hadn’t met you,

My friend.

If,

Instead of you,

Some other person,

Someone less kind,

Or funny,

Or smart,

Or happy in that way of yours,

Or even no one at all

Had shown up 

In my life

But, instead,

I got you.

_ —I wouldn’t change it for the world.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written to my best friend during my sophomore year of high school. Probably somewhere around my birthday. I always get introspective around my birthday, and really emphasize my friendships bc my brithday is the day after Valentines Day, and I am Not About That.


	31. intangible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> existentialism
> 
> cw: christianity

**Intangible**

_adj_.

_not definite or clear to the mind_

I was raised a Christian,

And I see the appeal

Of a God who loves and loves and loves,

And all you have to do is ask forgiveness

And truly, it’s a wonderful idea

But it doesn’t really work for me.

I would love to believe in a God who

Only asks for you to believe

But I’m not good with intangibility.

And that’s what a Christian’s god is

Intangible.

I know it can be argued

That he’s here all around us,

But that doesn’t work for me.

_—Intangibility is not something I’m good with_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you believe in God, that's great. I'm not trying to bash you or your religion. I just don't really feel Him all around me, and, as stated, I'm not good with intangibility. I believe that there is Something out there, i'm just not sure it's Jesus or any other deity worshiped by any other religion.


	32. Just a Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love
> 
> cw: death

They say soulmates never die

But you're dying to be loved

And falling feels like flying

But then you hit the ground

Happiness is just a chemical

Sadness is a stronger one

Two of you fly together

But only one hits the ground

They say soulmates are forever

But yours was just a day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd just read a book where the love interest dies.


	33. Soulmate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love  
> personal  
> existentialism?

What is a soulmate,

Really?

I mean, 

Is it your other half?

Because I feel pretty whole

Right now, 

And I definitely haven’t

Found my soulmate yet

Maybe I’m an abnormality

I’m not sure

I feel like some of my friends

Have found soulmates

That did complete them

Or it seems that way

They seem more whole

And I’m glad for them

But I can’t imagine anyone 

Coming into my life

And completing me

Because I feel as if I’m

Already whole

I think

Maybe I’m thinking too

Far into this

And should stop

And work on something else,

But I wonder

If I do have a soulmate

Or if they truly even exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written the beginning of my sophomore year, before homecoming, because the friend that I reference as having found their soulmate got broken up with at the homecoming dance. so yeah, not too sure about soulmates, at least romantic ones.


	34. Impressions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> existentialism

I wonder, sometimes,

What impression I leave on people

If I’m as good a person I think I am,

Or if I’m the person I feel I am,

On my darkest days

I’m open about who I am,

Most of the time. 

I don’t hide my love,

And I can probably be a little much

But I’m a good friend, 

I hope

But those people who walk past,

And just hear a snippet of my life

One where I’m cursing,

Or crying,

Or some other thing,

What impression do I leave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which we get to my favorite. hence the title of this work.


	35. loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal
> 
> cw: over-stimulation; implied panic and/or anxiety attacks; implied suicidal thoughts

Sometimes I hide

Because i can’t do anything else

And i want to stay

And be with the people

But the people are loud

And the world is often too bright

And i cannot take

Much more of the clamor

And the noise

And the lights

And everything

Gets tooloudtooclosetoobrighttoomuch

And i feel like i’m screaming

Into the void

Because i feel so small

And insignificant

When i ask for it to stop

Ask to get off the ride

That i never signed up for,

I am told that i’m not allowed to leave

Because i signed a contract for my life

When i was born

To live in this world that is tooloudtooclosetoobrighttoomuch

Without so much as a warning

And i want to run away 

To disappear into the void

But i can’t

Because of a contract i signed 

Before i even had a name to sign it with

_ —i’m not sure i’ll make it to the end of the ride _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we love finals. and having to comfort your friend though his break up with a girl who was abusive to him in the back stairwell of the band room. and having a choir concert the first day of finals. and having a three bedroom house for eight people. (I was a little bit stressed, okay?) And this was all before Covid!
> 
> I am doing better now. Quarantine was very good for me personally, because I am an introvert. My stress levels lowered exponentially.


	36. Without Me, Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love
> 
> cw: death mention

My love,

I hope,

For both our souls,

That we die together

Because I cannot live

Without you next to me

And you cannot live

Without me next to you

And though it is selfish of me to say

If just one of us is to die

I hope it to be me

Because I cannot bear the thought

Of living in this world without you

_ —I would not survive, my love _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk. sending it to the void, you guys.


	37. Just Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love  
> (not quite) existentialism
> 
> cw: the state of the world 2020

The world is on its way to ruin

That much is quite clear

And it will continue on that path

Until we do something to stop it

_Like what, my love?_

_We are not miracle workers_

_And that is what this will take._

It does not need a miracle,

Although one would be appreciated

All we need is love

And for the world to work together

_Will we, though?_

_You have met the world, correct?_ _  
_ _You have met the people in it,_

_And the things they do?_

I have, 

I have met all sorts

The people who love so much,

With their whole hearts

_Like you, my love._

_You love so deeply_

_That I think you will_

_Drown in the love you give_

_And starve from the love_

_You receive in return_

Yes, I may starve on the love I receive

Because all the love I receive

Comes from you, 

And you love deeply,

But not enough to refill what I give away

But I have also met those 

Who find it hard to love at all.

Yet they still try

_I am not sure of your point_

If we all love

If we all _try_ , 

Then we can change the world

_If we all try, yes_

_But not everyone will try_

_You and I both know this,_

_My love_

If enough of us do,

Then we will change the world

We don’t need everyone, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written before Quarantine, guys. It's only gotten worse since I wrote this. If we all pitch in just a little bit, we can make the world better. I know we can. So why don't we? You don't have to do some big grand gesture. Just wear a mask; use the recycling bin; send an angry letter to your local multi-billion dollar cooperation; vote. It's not that hard.


	38. Incomplete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal  
> existentialism

I feel broken, sometimes

Like a glass Christmas tree ornament

My little brother dropped on the floor

Or incomplete,

Like one of my little sister’s puzzles

That’s missing three pieces

Or unfinished,

Like a poem that’s 

Perpetually in a state of drafting

_ —I’ll complete myself sometime _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk. i still feel like this sometimes.


	39. The Idea of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love  
> personal

_ You have never truly loved me,  _

_ Dearest, you loved the idea of me _

_ But never truly me _

I do love you, my love

I do

I love so many things about you

Your little smiles

When you write your stories

Your laughs, every single one

The way you sing offkey 

When you do the dishes

And the way you dance

When you think no one is watching

I love the way you pull back your hair

When you’re working on a project

And it keeps falling in your face

I love the way you doodle

In the margins of my notes you borrow

I love the post-it notes

That you leave in the books you read

Marking your favorite spots

And the way you squeal

Every time your favorite character shows up

In books and movies and shows

I love the way your face lights up

When I ask you questions about your stories

And I love how animated you become

When you tell me about the thousands of lives

That you have created

I love the way you laugh so hard you cry

And I love how much you love the world

I don’t just love the idea of you, my love

_ —I love the reality of you as well. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a self-love poem. I am the person being described. (Except that bit about singing off-key.) Idk why i wrote it this way. it was probably easier this way to think about all the little weird quirks i have that i don't necessarily like.


	40. Seven Minutes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism
> 
> cw: death

I remember reading, somewhere

That when we die

We remember our entire lives

Compressed into seven minutes

And how do I know 

That that’s not what I’m doing

Right now?

That you’re already dead

And I am dying?

I know something

About this world is off

And maybe it’s just me

And the fact that I’m so young

And I’m living in a world that is 

Messed up and dying

And some days I feel like I’m dying too

I have friends who’ve tried to die

And so many people have succeeded 

It took me seven minutes to write this poem

I could be living the last

Seven minutes of my life

Or maybe I will wake up,

Seven minutes from now

In a bed I don’t remember

Because I’ve lost myself in this dream

And it’s easy for me to want

This to all be a dream

Because I can wake up from a dream

_ —But this is not a dream. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't believe that you actually see you entire life compressed into 7 minutes when you die (although how screwed up would that be). But it makes for a good poem


	41. December Chills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal

The nights are getting longer

And it’s getting colder by the day

I feel I’ll never be warm again

I sit on my couch

Tucked under a blanket

But still shivering

The lights are all on

But the darkness is still

Out there waiting

I brush my toes against my calf

And I think i’ve managed

To somehow put an ice cube down there

I wear gloves around the house

But they don’t do much

Aside from making it hard to cook

I would turn up the heater

But it isn’t my house

And I don’t pay the bills

So I pull on another sweater

And wrap another blanket around my shoulders

And pray for the thaw to come soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is by far the most poetic thing i've ever written about something as mundane as being cold. there was no deeper meaning behind this one, although if youc an find one, kudos to you


	42. Beyond the Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> existentialism

I wonder if there’s life

Out in the stars,

If they look out

Beyond their horizons

And dream

Just as we do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sleep deprived and stargazing.


	43. To Dream, To Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal

To dream 

Is to remember

Or so I’ve been told

But if that were so

I feel I would

Remember my dreams

More often

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imagine being able to remember your dreams. couldn't be me.


	44. Still Lovely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love

The stars are beautiful tonight

_ You cannot see them, love _

_ They are covered by the clouds _

That does not diminish their beauty

Only my ability to see them

_ If you cannot see them _

_ How do you know that _

_ They are still beautiful? _

Oh, my love

The same way I know

That you are still lovely

Even when I cannot see you


	45. Broken Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love
> 
> cw: heartbreak

I have a broken heart,

It seems

And I don’t quite know

If it shall ever be healed

To tell the truth

I’m not quite sure

I want it to be

I’ve grown accustomed

To the pain of it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reiterating the fact that i've never been in a romantic relationship. this came from the void and to the void it shall return


	46. Fairytale Romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love?  
> personal

I’ve always wanted

A fairytale romance

A prince to sweep me off my feet

To kiss me

And to tell me

That everything is going 

To be alright

The witch is defeated

The dragon is vanquished

But as I’ve grown

I’ve realized

I don’t want

To kill the dragon

Or the witch

And I certainly 

Do not want

A prince

One to sweep me off my feet 

Or to kiss me

Or to tell me

That everything is going

To be alright

I’ve realized

As I’ve grown

That life?

Is not a fairytale.

Besides

Princes are overrated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: hey mom, I think I'm ace  
> my mom: what's that?  
> Me: asexual.  
> My mom: don't worry, honey, you just haven't found the right person yet  
> me: thanks mom *proceeds to go cry in the bathroom for 30 minutes*
> 
> Being asexual does not mean you are aromantic, and vice versa! And being ace/aro does not mean that you're broken! I promise! 
> 
> (And aphobes get the hell off my content. angry/hateful comments will be deleted with no response)


	47. Sinners from Saints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods & goddesses  
> love
> 
> cw: christianity; doomsday?

The time has come

For sinners

To be seperated

From the saints

The end is nigh

And I fear

I shall be seperated 

From you

For how could you

Be anything but a saint?

And how could I

Be anything but a sinner?

The Lord is seperating

The goats

From the lambs

And he will separate

Me

From you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea


	48. Lethe Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love
> 
> cw: implied abusive relationship; heartbreak

I want to forget,

Sometimes

About you

You broke my heart

And you left me alone

And I want to forget

About you

Because I don’t think you 

Even realize what you’ve done

And if I forget

I’ll stop trying 

To convince you

Of something you refuse

To be convinced of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> greek mythology is a wild ride. the title of this comes from the Lethe, a river in the underworld that makes you forget everything with a single drop


	49. Loved So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love
> 
> cw: death

_ (Darling) _

You are cared for

And adored

And loved so

_ (Dearest) _

You are held

So dear to my heart

And the hearts

Of everyone else

_ (Dead) _

But you were taken

From us

Far too soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey did you know the phrase "Darling, dearest, dead" comes from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events? Because when I found that out I proceeded question my entire existence.


	50. Paper Cranes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk?
> 
> cw: destruction

Embers falling like rain

With no rain to wash it all away

The cranes have all left

And the paper is burned to ash

Some say that folding 1,000 paper cranes

Grants you a wish

But not even 1,000,000 paper cranes

Could grant enough wishes 

To fix this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, my freshman year of high school, my marching band went to BoA, which is like, super cool, and there was a band there that had a show about the story of 1000(?) paper cranes. That is the only marching band show to date to have made me cry, and i found a youtube recording of it and rewatched it, leading to this poem. it was a beautiful show, and I sincerely suggest looking it up. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IHbodVXLMo if you want to copy the link.) (I rewatched it again, and i cried again. it's really a very good show)


	51. Sacred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods and goddesses
> 
> cw: death

Something sacred

Something holy

Something devine

_ (Something breaking _

_ Something broken) _

Something lovely

Something beautiful

Something ethereal

_ (Something dying _

_ Something dead) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one and the next two were inspired loosely by Take me to Church by Hoozier, soooooooooooo


	52. Goddess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods & goddesses
> 
> cw: implied cult

You worship

You give yourself over

To this god

_ (Goddess) _

And devote everything

You praise

You sing of her merits

This goddess

_ (don’t you forget) _

And lose everything else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're still on the hoozier poems guys and gals and nonbinary pals


	53. Beautifully Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods & goddesses
> 
> cw: death mention

She is a goddess

Holy and divine

And you are not

Her blood is ichor,

Golden thick

Yours is crimson

Common and plain

Human, you are

And she is so much

You wonder what 

It would take

To become as her

_ (Suffering, dear heart _

_ And pain _

_ And death _

_ And terror  _

_ beyond what you can comprehend) _

And yet you still long

And hope

And pray

To her

And for her

To be with her

Until eternity 

Comes to a close

_ (But it is not meant to be _

_ Dear heart _

_ You are human _

_ Beautifully human _

_ And I am not.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last of the hoozier poems, y'all


	54. Eternal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods & goddesses
> 
> cw: death

How does a god die, you ask?

Simple.

They are forgotten.

They do not die quickly,

The gods of eras past

(Nor do the gods of the new age,

Though they are young yet

And unlikely to die soon)

No.

The old gods,

they die slowly,

As if their death

Is to be a long as their life

Eternal

But not

And it is painful,

Dreadfully so,

Because their devout followers

_ (Their worshippers) _

_ (Their life-blood) _

_ (More vital than the ichor _

_ That flows in their veins) _

Have forgotten them

And they fade

Slowly

Painfully

And eventually

They d i s a p p e a r

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure about this one, because it almost fits with the hoozier poems, but it's from like a week and a half later. idk. into the void it goes
> 
> and also, in the original version, i had the letters in disappear gradually fade out, but i didn't want to bother figuring that out for ao3, so i didn't


	55. Inspiration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal

I have read many things

Over the course of my life

(Not all of them good

Not all of them right)

I have read poems and plays

And novels galore

(And I have favorites

Of course I do)

I take inspiration

From anything and everything

(What else should I do?

Where else should it come)

I hope that one day,

These words can inspire someone

(I’m not sure they will

If this will ever be read

By anyone save me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, yeah. inspiration comes from anywhere and everywhere.


	56. Of Wildflowers and Childhood Glee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendship

Come, let’s play pretend

You’ll be king

And I’ll be queen

We’ll have homemade crowns

Of wildflowers and childhood glee

And we’ll rule over everything we see

And when it’s dinner time,

We’ll lay our crowns to rest

Out by the old oak tree

And mark their graves

With the water-smoothed river-stones

We collected as jewels

To fill our royal vaults

In the holes we dug by the apple tree

Out by the creek

And we’ll come back to our kingdom tomorrow

Except it will be different then

Like all things made

By childhood imagination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this isn't an actual memory so much as a mash-up of games i'd play with my cousins and games i read about other kids playing and maybe a dash of the book Bridge to Teribithia and the Chronicles of Narnia thrown in for good measure.
> 
> I do in fact have a Harry Potter fanfic with a title from this poem, however, i wrote the two alongside each other, sooo


	57. Nebulous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love
> 
> cw: implied depression, maybe?

Nebulous things are hard to pin down

And so are you, my love

Though for somewhat different reasons

You are rather solid, I guess

But you are so carefree

And you flit around like a leaf 

Caught in the wind

Uncaring of where destiny may take you

And whether you will ever land

On solid ground again

(Where has your smile gone, my love?)

(Will you return to me, when you find it again?)

_ (Will you come home?) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is totally not inspired by Wei Wuxian. totally not. just a poem about a person who loses their smile. nothing more.
> 
> (wwx is from the chinese novel Mo Dao Zu Shi, with an audio drama, manhua, donghua, and c-drama. The c-drama is called The Untamed, and is on netflix and youtube as of October 2020)


	58. sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods & goddesses??? (kinda)  
> love??? (again, kinda)
> 
> cw: captivity, implied fae tricks (like stealing pieces of your body etc)

o silent one 

o captive one

o one who cannot sing

what would you give

to be able to sing again?

a piece of silver

_ (its luster matching your eyes?) _

a piece of jade

_ (its smoothness matching your skin?) _

a piece of onyx

_ (its darkness matching your hair?) _

a piece of gold

_ (it's colour matching your soul?) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, this was written on a post-it note at 9:30 one night after band and was left stuck to my bathroom mirror for about a week before i remembered it existed and typed it up onto the doc. This is also loosely inspired by wei wuxian, soooooo


	59. Imagine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's uh, been a while. i don't remember my sorting system, but i think?  
> existentialism? personal?
> 
> no cws

imagine, if you will

being able to put

pen to page

and create

a whole world

of ink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate writers block. this is technically sarcastic, but read unsarcastically, it is also good. it can be either way


	60. Value

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personal; political? (that's a new one, i think)
> 
> cw: the state of things in regards to minimum wage and some people's stance on the value of a human life (In the USA)
> 
> i think this will also be the first poem with curse words?

i cannot,

for the life of me,

understand people

who cannot understand

the value of a human life

i don't understand how 

these stupid selfish people,

the demand things of others,

yet have the audacity

\--the goddamned audacity--

to claim the work is useless

_useless_

as if they are not the ones

who demanded that the work be done

in the first place

they demand their luxuries

yet refuse to pay for them

as if these luxuries

ought to be free

but only for them, mind

because these luxuries 

should not be goddamned luxuries

they should just--

they are just the basic things

every person

every goddamned fucking person

every person on this giant chunk

of rock and water we call earth

everyone deserves these basic things

because every person

has value

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, yeah, i'm a little upset.  
> (and yes, sometimes that value is being a bad example. *cough, elon musk, cough* as a random, nonspecific example of what Not to do)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! drop a comment or kudos and tell me what you enjoyed


End file.
